The Surest Way To Get What You Want Is To Steal It
by Shinagami
Summary: Asuka 'persuades' the other two Children to take some quality time off...
1. Ikari Takes Some Time Off/ Rei Has Bum L...

Hoohaw! It's been a while hasn't it? Sorry about the 'not writing anything for a month' thing.....if anyone noticed at all. *sniff* Anyways here's a good 'ol fashioned comedy that will either make you laugh, or want to buy a high-priced projectile-firing weapon to hunt me down. Well, how do you say......on with the show!

I own nothing but what I'm wearing......that doesn't include GAINAX or Evangelion.

The Surest Way To Get What You Want Is To Steal It. 

Chapter One: Ikari takes some time off. OR Rei has Bum luck.

Shinji wasn't one to just up and leave something, unless it was his father telling him to pilot a giant purple thing, Asuka yelling at him, or Rei nude under him. This was none of those times so Shinji had no reason to leave.

"Of course you do!" Asuka yelled, causing the aforementioned Ikari to wince. "We do nothing but get lectured about the 2nd Impact! If that isn't a good enough reason to skip school then what is?"

"An Angel attack would appropriate a school evacuation." Rei said, none to helpful.

Asuka sighed. "WonderGirl, I'm not talking to you." She turned to Shinji. "Look, no one will even care, we're Eva pilots, remember? We can say we had tests at Nerv."

"Think about it Asuka...." Shinji trailed off as Asuka glared at him. He refused to let it scare him. "What are we going to do? And what if someone sees us?"

Asuka grabbed her hair in rage. "Who knows us outside of school and Nerv?"

"I believe it was you who said we were 'world famous' Asuka." Shinji muttered.

"No, I said _I _was world famous, you two don't even make an impression. You couldn't be spotted in a crowd if someone used hounds and infrared goggles!"

"I believe canine units would discover our location without the help of infrared goggles." Rei said.

Asuka swore. "Sheisse! I was making a point Rei. Now come on, we're going to miss the train."

"Train?" Shinji stuttered "No one mentioned a train." 

Asuka looked back as she boarded the passenger car. "How else are we going to get to the heart of the city?"

"We could walk...." Shinji suggested.

Rei picked up her school bag. "Section 2 personnel could transport us to our destination."

"That's ruining the point, we don't WANT to get caught do we?"

Hearing no response Asuka sat down in one of the seats. "Yeow! Damn plastic seats nearly burned me!

"If you would not wear clothing that revealed large parts of your body surface, you would not be subject to physical burns." Rei said, nodding to Asuka's halter top and hot pants.

"Rei, at least I wear something besides my plugsuit and a school uniform." Asuka muttered.

"On the contrary, my clothing wardrobe also contains the garment Ikari gave me and several pairs of under-garments." Shinji tried not to choke as the train started moving.

"What outfit you gave Rei?" Asuka asked torn between bewilderment and anger. She chose anger.

Shinji hoped the floor of the train would supply an answer, because he sure couldn't.

"Um.....the...I...what I meant to say......"

Rei took initiative. "Ikari purchased me a formal dress to wear when I accompanied him on a 'date'."

"A date huh?" Asuka was no longer angry, much to Shinji's relief. Now she was furious. "So, Invincible Shinji and WonderGirl on a date! How fitting, the loser and the loserette. The one with the personality of a ceramic coffee mug and the one with the personality of a scared puppy in an alley."

Tired of this verbal abuse Shinji attempted to fight back. "Wait a minute...we may not have the perfect personalities but at least we're not over bearing bitches!" That shut Asuka up.....for about two seconds."

"YOU! Over bearing? I can SHOW you over bearing!" She picked Shinji up by the front of his shirt and shoved him against the wall. Shinji grabbed hold of Asuka's arms in an attempt to free himself.

"Damn Asuka...you have some muscles....." Shinji said in awe at Asuka's biceps.

Asuka dropped Shinji and blushed. "Really? You think? Wait, I'm mad at you." She 'hmphed' and sat down with her arms folded.

"I believe that show of strength was due to over stimulated adrenaline glands." Rei stated. "Or the presence of testosterone." Asuka glared at Rei, who simply smiled back.

"W-was that a joke Ayanami?" Shinji stuttered. Rei stared out the window.

The train ground to a slow stop and the three Children waited patently for the doors to open.

"Let's see, what to do first....." Asuka trailed off as she took in the view of shops surrounding them. Even at that early hour the streets were alive with people bustling about.

"Wow....." Shinji stammered while gawking at the masses. "Look at em all."

Rei simply stared at the congregation of shoppers. "I believe observation of these people's behaviors will be essential for future use."

Both Shinji and Asuka stared at Rei, who put her hand up to shield the sun from her eyes. "Yes?" She asked when she noticed the two's jaw seemed to be hanging near their knees.

"Ayanami...just how big is your vocabulary?"

Rei showed a hint of a smile, but that could've been from the sun in her eyes. "I do not understand."

Asuka growled at Rei's ignorance. "What Baka-boy here is trying to say is that you have no life what-so-ever, am I right?"

This seemed to stir something in Rei, because she frowned. "That is untrue, I breath, formulate thoughts, and require the same amount of attention and positive feedback that is needed to have a healthy and successful childhood."

"Maybe today is a good thing after all." Shinji said while scratching his head. "The real Rei just might present herself to the world."

"Would you find that pleasurable Ikari?" Rei asked.

Asuka choked. "Pleasurable? Baka-hentai finds EVERYTHING pleasurable!" 

"I do not! Just....I want to get to know you, Ayanami." Shinji argued.

Rei smiled and nodded slightly. "Then I shall do it."

Asuka made rude choking and gasping noises while Shinji and Rei shared their moment.

"Okay, I have it figured out!" Asuka said happily.

Shinji looked over to Asuka. "Figured what out?"

"What store I'm going to first, silly!" Asuka said giddily as she grabbed Shinji's arm and pulled him through a store's revolving doors.

"Ow! Asuka, you don't have to be rough, I can walk...on....my...." It was then that Shinji discovered his location.......lingerie section of a women's clothing store.

"Well, what do you think, Shinji?" Asuka asked, holding up some black lace undies.

Shinji decided that the ceiling might provide sanctuary, so that's were his gaze stayed glued. "That's...uh...nice." Shinji felt something grab his wrist and pull him to a dressing room. 

"Stay here while I try it on, and no peeking pervert!" Asuka warned as she entered the small room.

Shinji leaned against the wall and muttered about Asuka trying to kill him when a short bald man scurried over to him.

"Good day sir! And how are you?"

Shinji looked away. "Fine, thank you....."

"We have a special on bras today!" The little man exclaimed.

Shinji's face was past red and moving towards purple. "That's...uh....that's nice."

"Isn't it though? I thought lavender would look absolutely stunning on you, so I picked you out a little something." He shoved a light purple wonder bra at Shinji, who recoiled.

"I'm a guy! I don't need that!" He yelled.

The little man looked hurt. "So...you don't like it?"

"That's not what I'm saying. It's a great color, but-"

"Well then, by all means, try it on!"

Shinji pushed the little man, who was reaching to undue Shinji's shirt away. "No! I'm a boy! I don't have breasts!"

"Who doesn't have breasts?" Shinji whirled around to see Asuka, outfitted in nothing but sexy black underwear leaning against the door frame of the dressing room. "It can't be me, because as you can see I have breasts a plenty."

"Yes, I mean no...I mean uh....he was making me...I was only...I meant.....damn." Shinji shoved his hands in his pockets and looked at his shoes. He felt two arms around his shoulders and then Asuka's face very close to his ear. "You never said what you think, Shiiiiiinjiiii." Asuka drew out Shinji's name in a very seductive manner. Shinji didn't mind this, save for the fact that Asuka was cutting off his air supply.

"They're......lov.....ely." Shinji managed before Asuka let go.

"Seriously Shinji, you're no fun at all." And with that Asuka Langley Soryou walked back through the dressing room doors. Shinji sighed in relief and let his body sag against the wall again. He saw the sort annoying man sauntering his way and went in search of sanity. He found it by the cash register, where a very attractive girl was paying for something. Shinji didn't recognize her from the rear, but she could tell she had short brown hair and was built nicely. The girl finished paying and turned around, smack into Shinji.

"Oof!" The girl exclaimed as Shinji's head buried itself in her cleavage.

Shinji was already stammering an apology before his face was free. "Really I'm sorry, I'm an idiot, really I- Miss Ibuki?"

True, Maya Ibuki was sprawled on the floor with her bag of lingerie dumped in Shinji's lap.

"Shinji? What are you doing here? And why aren't you at school?"

Shinji's mind reeled as he tried to come up with an alibi. "Um...I have tests at Nerv....to...uh...do."

"Come on Shinji," Maya said as she scooped up her purchases. "You know as well as I do there aren't any tests scheduled for today."

"Shinji you anta-baka! Where did you go? I hope to God you aren't peeking under one of these doors!" Asuka's voice rang out as she hunted through the store. Maya's face showed her understanding and sympathy.

"Oh." She said while politely excusing herself from the store.

Asuka found Shinji still on his butt where he landed and even more confused and frightened than he was before.

"You hentai......I have to pay for this." She stepped up to the cash register and pulled out an envelope of money.

"Hey! Where did you get that from?" Shinji asked as Asuka forked out a large deal of yens.

Asuka smiled as she was handed her bag. "Misato won't _really_ miss this weeks paycheck will she?"

Shinji opened the door for Asuka as they headed out into the street. "You know she'll be cranky without any beer." 

"Not a problem. I told Kaji Misato wanted his to buy her a whole refrigerators worth of beer." Asuka said triumphantly. Shinji stopped.

"What is it?" Asuka asked.

Shinji scratched his head, then his eyes widened. "Where's Ayanami?!"

*******

"I do not understand." Rei said again. The homeless man she was talking to sighed.

"I'll explain it once more kid. I got fired from my job when one of dem Evas stepped on my office building and I couldn't find no more work now that everybody's moved away."

"I do not understand why you do not employ yourself at Nerv headquarters. I believe they are in need of janitorial service workers."

The bum sighed again. "I can't get a job like this, look at me." He stood up and waved his hands over his rags he called clothing. "And I ain't got no money to buy nothin' new."

"I could assist you in purchasing garments of your choosing." Rei said.

"And how are yea gonna do that, little missy?" 

Rei held out her Nerv ID "My Nerv identification access card will allow a credit limit of several thousand yen."

"Holy googly moogly! Jeeze kid, you one of dem Eva pilots aren't ya?"

Rei nodded. "I am Rei Ayanami, designated pilot of Evangelion unit zero, prototype anti-angel combat device."

"Fancy name there. Okay, let's give it a shot then."

Rei put the card away. "Let's go."

********

"Give it a rest Shinji, if little miss WonderGirl wants to wander the city then let her." Asuka said as she inhaled a meatball sandwich.

Shinji was still frantically searching the faces of the people that walked by. "But, what if she got mugged...or worse."

Asuka swallowed and laughed. "Get off it Shinji. I know the thought of Rei getting raped makes you horny, but I think....that...uh..." Asuka noticed Shinji's hand clenching and unclenching. His face was twisted into a scowl.

"Damn it Asuka! Why can't you be nice for once?! Ayanami never did anything to hurt you! I can even remember Rei volunteering to do something you absolutely _refused_ to do! I can't believe you'd even think that I'd be excited over any harm coming to her!" Shinji leaned over and panted heavily.

"Uh, huh.....well don't just stand there, WonderGirl obviously needs out help." Asuka set aside her sandwich and stood on the bench her rear was moments ago occupying. "If it's a blue-haired, red-eyed, albino fourteen year old you want, Shinji Ikari, then I'll find that blue-haired, red-eyed, albino fourteen year old you want."

Shinji nodded and took off running.

Asuka sighed and plucked a pebble from the ground. After taking careful aim she hurled it at Shinji's receding form. It hit him square in the back, knocking him down. 

"Ow! Asuka!" He rubbed his back and glared at her.

Asuka calmly walked up and put her hands on her hips. "You do know you're running _into_ the _woods_, right?"

"Uh...hehe...." Shinji chuckled and rubbed the back of his head.

The two of them headed of back into the city.

********

"Is this an acceptable garment?" Rei asked, holding up a pink sweater vest.

The bum (who's name happened to be Richard) Put his head in his hands. "I may be homeless, but I'm not gay."

"Why are you not happy? Is it normal for homeless men to be unhappy?" Rei asked.

Rich sighed again, he seemed to be doing that lately. "No...I meant I don't like other men."

"I do not understand."

"Pink things like that are for men who like other men." Rich said.

Rei nodded. "And you....do not.....like men?"

"Not really, no."

"Should I not like men?" Rei put the sweater back and looked for something else.

Rich followed her into the shoe department. "Well...uh...you see....it's like this....um...girls are supposed to like guys and guys are....didn't your parents teach you this?"

"I have no parents."

Rich nodded. "Neither do I. Mine abandoned me when I was two."

"I am a genetically engineered semblance of Commander Ikari's wife using her and the angel Lillith's DNA strands." Rei said coolly as she made her way to the suits.

"Ooooooookay." Rich agreed. //Kid's a nutcase.//

Rei pulled a black sports coat from a rack and handed it to Rich. "This is a reasonable and decent garment, is it not?"

"Yeah, wow kid, you have some taste." He felt the expensive Italian fabric. Rei ignored him and picked out a red shirt and black slacks. 

"These will do also." She stated.

Rei paid for the items while Rich changed. The cashier looked at Rei like she was a mutant freak out to eat the marrow from his bones.

"That will be 14,000 yen, please."

Rei dug into her school bag and searched for her Nerv ID card. Not finding it she checked the one pocket on her school uniform. Not there either.

"You _can_ pay for this, can't you."

Rei was not to be deterred. "I am at a momentary loss of my identification card."

"Well, that's just too bad, now isn't it?" The cashier asked.

Rei steeled herself, the only other proof of her identification on her person was...... Rei undid the top of her school uniform and pulled the strap of her bra to show a tiny gold Nerv ID badge pinned there. "My Identification number is 108766529." Rei said calmly while the cashier tried, without success, to stop his nosebleed.

"Right...yes, then. Everything checks out...have a...nice.....day."

Rich exited the dressing room and smoothed out his coat. "How do I look?"

Rei frowned, then she reached into her schoolbag and produced a pair of cracked tinted glasses. She reached up and put them on.

"You look presentable."

*********

"I can't find her _anywhere_! It's like she disappeared!" 

Asuka stopped searching the crowd she was in and caught her breath. "Damn WonderGirl, are you TRYING to hide from us?"

Shinji stopped beside her. "May...*huff huff* Maybe.....*huff huff* we should......*huff huff* look in a store."

"Yeah right, what store could Rei actually want to buy something in?" Asuka grabbed Shinji's wrist and pulled him around a corner. Back around the corner Rei left the store with Rich.

"Hey, baka." Asuka said suddenly.

Shinji gasped for air and looked up. "What?"

"Rei's been living on her own for, what.....4 years?"

Shinji nodded. "Something like that, yes."

"Then why are we worrying? Like she never went into the city alone?" Asuka stopped walking and sat down on a bench.

"Well.....you haven't seen her apartment. Besides, I feel that she's in danger. Kinda like a sixth sense."

Asuka snorted. "You idiot. Only us superior women have a sixth sense about danger. Unless there's something you wanted to tell me."

"Huh? What? You think....NO! I'm a guy!" Shinji rebuked.

Asuka laughed. "Chill out, I know you men are sensitive about your tools."

"Since when do you know all this about men, Asuka? Is there something _you_ wanted to tell me?" Shinji asked slyly.

"Yeah, I'm more of a woman then you'll ever be of a man." With that she stood up and stretched. "Let's go home, I'm tired. We've been looking for WonderGirl for three hours, and I barely got any shopping done."

"WAIT!!" Shinji dug into his pocket and pulled free his cell phone. "I have Ayanami's number on speed dial!" He hit several buttons and put the phone to his ear."

"You idiot! Why didn't you think of this before?!" Asuka screeched.

"Shhh, you're the college graduate, remember?" Shinji muttered and listened.

*Ring Ring......click* "My cellular telephone is currently either in use or deactivated. Leave a short concise message to indicate your request and I will return your call when I receive this message."

Shinji threw his cell phone at a tree. "No luck. Her cell pone is in use, because I know she never turns it off."

********

"Yeah Pete, come on over to the Nagiguchi Restaurant. How can I afford it? Never you mind. Yeah, later." Rich turned off Rei's cell phone and handed it back. "My friend Pete is the best contact I know. He'll have the inside scoop on this 'Instrumentality' thing you keep talking about."

Continued at a later date.........

So ends chapter one. I know! One of my comedy fics is in danger of forming a plot! This is what school does to you. ^_^ So what did you think? Personally _I_ liked it, but then again, I'm biased. So let me know what _you_ think by using this nifty review box right down there. Later!


	2. Return of the Ikari

Alrighty, looks like you have decided to tune in to the second part of my fic, and yes, it did grow a plot last night....scary to think that I Shinagami could write something with a plot. But in other world news..... 

I don't own that Neon Genesis Evangelion thing everyone's making a fuss over......

The Surest Way To Get What You Want Is To Steal It

Chapter two: Return of the Ikari

Shinji dreaded what was beyond the door to his apartment, not that he didn't like his home....it was just that there was more than likely a fuming drunken Nerv Major inside with a loaded six pack, and an equally loaded .45.

"What are you waiting for? Open the door!" He heard his roommate yell from down the hall.

Shinji reflexively took a step back. "Why do I have to open it?" He asked.

"Cause she likes you more!" Came the reply. Shinji didn't buy it, Asuka was something Shinji had never seen her be before....._afraid_. 

"Asuka's a chicken, Asuka's a chicken!" Shinji chanted and made squawking noises. "Afraid of Misato are you? Well don't worry, I'm sure she'll go easy on-" A white shoe implanted itself in Shinji's face.

"Mien Gott! You're so immature you make the other stooges look normal, if that's even possible. You're hopeless! No wonder Misato takes pity on you all the time!" Asuka retrieved her shoe and put it back on.

"Well if you were a bit nicer maybe she'd like you at all!" Shinji's reply came muffled from under his hand, trying to cover the red mark on his face.

"HA! Misato likes me plenty, she just knows that I am way more mature than you'll ever be, so she leaves me be."

"What does Misato do?" Both Children looked up to see their guardian and commanding officer standing over them, Yebisu in one hand and the other hand tracing over her holster.

"Um.....it was Shinji's fault....he..."

"Asuka made me...I didn't want to..."

"I did not! You came willingly!"

"You said you'd tell Misato about me having wet dreams-...oops..." Shinji shut his mouth the instant he heard those precious words escape his mouth. Asuka smirked at him and leaned against the wall.

"Well now you have nothing to hide." She put her hands behind her head and walked into the apartment. Misato was frozen in her original position, A huge grin replacing the angry expression.

"So....is it true Shinji? Are you really growing up?" Misato barely contained her laughter.

Shinji decided that it would be best to blush furiously and try to blend in with the wall behind him.

"Oh, it is Misato.....I can attest to that." Came a mocking voice that undoubtedly came from Shinji's German roommate.

"Really? How so?" Much to Shinji's relief Misato's attention was turned to Asuka, who was now clad in her usual casual attire. "How do you know so much about Shinji's rate of maturing?"

Asuka's eyes widened in surprise and betrayal. "I...I....He......I couldn't help but.....when he....." Asuka reverted to her number one defense.....get angry and make a lot of noise. "Pervert idiot _forced_ himself on me when I woke him up the other day, it was _horrible_! There was goo _everywhere_!"

Shinji, who was just entering the apartment, choked and tried to deny the accusations. "I did not! W-w-what would I do that for? How could you think that-"

"And then that pervert smeared it all over the walls and I couldn't get away! That idiot! What a complete pervert!-"

"I woke up and my covers fell off the bed, and she saw through the sheets, I didn't TRY to do anything-"

Misato stood back and watched the two sides tell the story with extreme amusement. "Alright, alright. That's enough, Asuka. Shinji...try to keep your hormones _inside_ your pants." This made Shinji blush again and mumble something about it being normal for kids his age and compelling Asuka to say that it didn't happen to her, causing Shinji to point out that she wasn't a boy and wouldn't know what it's like.

"Now you two have some explaining to do." Misato said, reverting back to the 'you're in trouble' mode.

"It's simple, Misato. We decided that Tokyo-3 needed Eva Pilot Day." Asuka said proudly.

Shinji, who couldn't recall having the afore mentioned conversation, just stayed quiet and hoped Asuka knew what she was doing.

"Eva Pilot Day?" Misato asked. "And why does Tokyo-3 need this holiday?"

Asuka wasn't fazed. "Because without us there'd be no Tokyo-3."

Shinji left the room and headed to the bath. The warm water always seemed to relax him.

"Ahh....that's nice." Shinji sighed as he slide into the water.

"It is nice, is it not?" Two red eyes were awaiting Shinji's field of vision as he opened his eyes. Young Ikari accessed the situation. Naked Rei in front of him. Naked him in a close proximity of naked Rei in front of him. Bad.

"AHHHHHH!! Rei! What are you doing?!" Shinji stood up quickly to escape the wrath of a confused Rei. 

Rei continued to be confused. "I am obviously bathing, Ikari. Is there something out of the ordinary with my presence in this bathing area?"

"W....w.....I.....Rei!" Was all Shinji managed before the door flew open and Asuka stomped in, an annoyed look on her face. She was about to yell at Shinji to keep it down when she realized where she was and who was in front of her.

"Eeeeeewwwwww! Shinji, I don't need to see that!" Asuka clenched her eyes shut and waved her hand in front of her, as if to shoo away the nude Shinji. "And what is Wonderslut doing here?!"

"I am bathing." Rei said. She stood up and presented the back scrubber and bar of soap she was using to prove her activities.

"ARG! Rei!" Shinji yelled as he whirled around in a feeble attempt not to look at Rei. 

"Shinji! I told you I didn't need to see that!" Asuka wailed again.

Shinji, without option, ran from the scene into the living room. Misato was halfway through chugging her newest can of alcoholic pleasure when the nudist Ikari streaked from the bath into the living room and then to the kitchen, dripping water over the floor.

"Shinji, PenPen isn't going to hurt you, I thought I told you that." She said.

Shinji stuck his head out from the corner. "Not.....huff huff.....PenPen...A...Huff-suka and...huff....R....huff...ei." 

True to his words Misato heard Asuka yelling something obscene at what was probably Rei.

"Misato! What is the matter with you?!" Asuka demanded when she emerged from the bath. "Letting that doll in here!"

"Well, Asuka. I had no idea she was even here." Misato said calmly while attempting to finish Her beer. Bad combination. She snorted most of it up her nose and choked. After she cleaned up the mess with a napkin she noticed Asuka was yelling something.

"...and what do you mean you didn't know she was here? How could you MISS her?" Asuka was on a rampage. "I mean, I know she doesn't make much of an impression, but-"

"Um....Asuka?" Misato asked. "How did you get the bruise?"

Asuka stopped yelling. "Well.....I...."

It was then that Rei exited the bath, still nude as ever, but considerably cleaner and drier. Her right fist was red.

"I struck Soryou when she attempted to force me out of the bathing area." She stated.

Shinji returned from the kitchen wearing an apron conveniently covering the modest areas. "Rei!" He hissed. "Put some clothes on!"

" I am unable, Ikari. All of my clothes were knocked into the bath in the ensuing struggle of Soryou and I." She blushed a bit. "I am in need of garments."

"Well, don't worry Rei. I can loan you some." Every head turned to the speaker of the voice- Asuka.

"Why is everyone looking at me?" She said when she noticed that everyone, including Rei, was literally staring slack jawed.

"Asuka? Are you alright?" Shinji walked up to Asuka and felt her forehead. She in turn whacked him upsides the head.

"Of course I am, I just think what WonderGirl's problem is that she doesn't get much exposure of the outside world."

"She seems pretty exposed to me." Shinji muttered as he backed his way into his room with his eyes closed.

"BAKA-HENTAI!" Asuka yelled and waved her fist threateningly at Shinji's now closed door.

Misato opened a fresh can of beer. "First things first. Rei, how in the hell did you get in here?"

"The keys were still in the door when I arrived." Rei explained. "Since my plumbing was disabled after a gunfight in the apartment over I decided Ikari and your apartment would be best suited for my hygienic needs."

Misato nodded and made a mental note to buy Rei a small handgun and a taser. "Right. Now secondly, I want to know how you evaded Section 2 personnel."

Asuka smiled. "Secret German evasive action technique."

Misato narrowed her eyes.

"We took a train, providing us an opportunity to outrun the Section 2 escort vehicles." Rei said, scratching her still wet shoulder.

"Oh." Was all Misato had to say. //Gotta quit renting security guards.// She thought.

Asuka grabbed Rei's wrist and pulled her into her room. "C'mon WonderGirl, you and I need to have a long talk."

"About what?" Rei asked as she disappeared inside the demon's lair. Misato yawned and headed off to bed thinking about what kind of crazy things Asuka would be teaching to Rei.

******

Shinji slowly opened his eyes, slowly because an intensely bright light was burning out his retinas.

"Now watch carefully Rei." He heard someone say before the light grew brighter.

The hapless Ikari waved his hands futilely above him in an effort to drive away the disturbance of sleep. 

"I do not see the point of this exercise." Rei said. She turned off the flashlight in her hand.

Asuka sighed and smacked Shinji awake. "It's to teach Baka-boy here to get up when his alarm goes off."

"Understood."

Shinji sat up suddenly. "Rei? Why are you still here?"

"Pilot Soryou explained it would be best if I learned to 'fit in' and in order to 'fit in' I must behave like her." Rei said.

"Asuka....." Shinji warned. "Why are you doing this, I thought you hated Ayanami."

Asuka smiled broadly and tossed her flashlight onto the floor. "I could use all the allies I can get, and Wonderfreak needs a little.....adjustment to be useful."

Shinji shook his head, did he just hear Asuka say she needed someone.....that someone being Rei of all people? No, Asuka had an alterative motive. But what could it be? Not important, that girl could be so confusing at times. Right now getting ready for school was important.

"Man....I feel like I didn't sleep at all." Shinji commented as he made everyone's breakfast.

He finished in time to see Rei walk in from Asuka's room outfitted in her school uniform and....white socks!

//Well that doesn't seem too bad.// Shinji thought as he set down Ayanami's plate. 

"Ikari," Rei said as she looked at her meal. "I do not like meat."

Shinji smiled back. "Don't worry Rei, it's soy, the best thing to happen to this household since.....well....I guess since Misato quit hiding beer in the tub."

"Soy?" Rei asked and took a small bite. It tasted like greasy cornbread. "I am not sure I like this." She said once she had swallowed.

"You don't?" Shinji asked. He looked at his feet. "Neither does anyone else."

"Mien Gott! Soy burgers _again?!_" Asuka stormed from her room and took a huge bite out of her breakfast. "I'm telling you Shinji, cook something REAL for once!" She slugged down some orange juice and grabbed her schoolbag. "C'mon you two, we're going to be late."

"Uh, right." Shinji nodded and put the dished away. He was on his way out the door when he noticed Rei wasn't with them.

"Uh, Rei....are you coming?" he asked.

Rei stood up and headed for the balcony. "I do not feel like attending school today." She said as she stepped out.

"Well, have a nice day then." Shinji closed the door behind him and hurried after Asuka.

********

"Hey Pete, where's that albino chick?" A husky voice called from the kitchen of a very grimy apartment on the bad side of town.

"I dunno, she's your responsibility." Pete poked his head out of the bathroom. "And how can this girl live in a place without a big screen TV? It's unsanitary." He tried flushing the toilet one more time. "C'mon c'mon, just once for daddy?"

Rich chuckled. "Give it a rest, we put like, eight holes in the water pipe yesterday."

"Damn, you're right. Hey...what's with the suit, you look like Ikari."

Rich shrugged and smoothed out the jacket. "The kid picked it out. And it looks good on me.

"Whatever." Pete said as he sprayed some aerosol 'Green Irish Mist' stuff into the odorous bathroom. 

"Hey, we're receiving transmission." Rich said and sat on the chair next to the bed to hear the small monitoring device they had planted on Rei.

"What's she saying?" Pete asked while digging through the pantry looking for some ramen.

Rich shushed him and turned his attention back to the monitor. "Something about Ikari and his scent...."

"What? Rich, you always pick the weird ones."

Again Rich hushed his partner and turned up the volume. "Listen for yourself."

"......Ikari.....smells.....ood....ike.....the......commander......hat.....are.....ese.....feelings?"

Pete sank onto the First Child's bed and listened. "Yeah, weird one alright."

"Shhh, there's more." Rich changed the frequency to a more stable connection. 

"And what about Soryou? Her lessons are not of any use, yet I try to follow them. Is this so I can be a better mate for Ikari? Hmmm? A transmitter?- shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"

"We lost contact." Rich said as he flung his headphones down. "How could she find a bug that small? and It was on her _back_ too!"

"Bendy." Said Pete with a raise of his eyebrows. 

Rich hung his head. "Saylay* needs a report. What are we gonna say? 'Yeah, the First Child said nothing about Gendo's plan for the destruction of mankind, but she DID mention she liked his son's scent and she wants to fuck him'"

"Hey, she didn't say that _directly_." Pete said. His face lit up as he found a package of instant rice.

Three knocks and a loud 'open up you bastards!' came from the door. Both heads turned to stare at it.

"It's your turn." Pete and Rich said at the same time.

Pete shook his head. "I let her in the last time, you have to do it."

"No way, last time I opened it she kneed me in the nuts!"

"Too bad."

Rich sighed and cautiously made his way to the door, where they had installed a bullet proof pick proof titanium padlock. "Coming...." He said cheerfully and unlocked the door.

"About time you idiots!" A red head yelled as she stormed into the apartment.

Rich sighed with relief once he was sure his crotch was safe.

"So....what do you have on the First?" Pete asked from behind the bed.

Asuka frowned. "I found out she has no fashion sense, can't cook, and relies on Commander Ikari to explain everything to her."

"Nothing about the dummy plug or anything like that?" Rich asked.

Asuka shook her head. "Nope, the girl hardly even talks."

"And what about the other two?" Pete asked through the rice he was eating. "Are they suspicious of your time with the First Child?"

"Shinji suspects _something_, but I'm not sure what, and Misato is just as drunken as ever."

Pete and Rich nodded. "Alright, keep us posted."

Asuka scowled at the order and left. Once she was outside she pulled the small recorder from her school uniform pocket. "Sheisse, I thought I'd never get out of there." She knocked on the door of Apartment 406.

"Who's there?" 

"Your beautiful wife-to-be." 

Kaji opened the door and laughed. "Come on Asuka, You know I'm engaged to Misato."

"You wish." Asuka said as she hurried into the apartment.

"Well?" Kaji looked at Asuka expectantly while she made herself comfortable on the small bed.

"It's a little small for our purposes, but as long as the springs hold out we're fine." Asuka said.

Kaji laughed again. "I mean what did you find out about Seele's operatives?"

"They have a bug on Ayanami, and they still think I'm uber-excited about busting her chops."

Asuka was handed a cup of tea. "Well, you have proved yourself as a great partner, my dear Asuka."

"But....." She waited for the other shoe to fall. 

"But it has become to dangerous. I'm afraid Seele is going to try to pull something and I can't have the best Eva pilot end up dead, now can I?"

"No....but what about you? I can protect you!" Asuka stood up to her full height.

"Of course you can, just let me take care of this first." Kaji gave Asuka a playful shove and looked at his watch. "You'd better get back to school, lunchtime is almost over. And listen, I don't want you doing anything that has to do with this. Stay away from Seele. Understand?"

"Yeah, yeah..." Asuka rolled her eyes and left. 

******

Shinji was going to wonder where Asuka went when the lunch bell rung, but two pesky golems interrupted his thoughts. 1) Aida Kensuke. 2) Toji Suzahara. They pulled up chairs to Shinji's table and greeted him with big smiles of accomplishment and self-pride.

"Hey guys." Shinji said and took a bite into his lunch.

Toji grinned and nodded to Kensuke, who fished a small package out of his pocket. 

"What's this?" Shinji asked after Kensuke had tossed it onto the table in front of him.

Toji beamed some more. "Open it." He instructed.

Shinji complied and peeled open the top of the envelope. "Pictures? I thought the principal told you guys to quit selling these for cash.........REI?!"

Toji and Kensuke hooted at their friends reaction. 

"Man Shinji.....you are one lucky son of a bitch. Check out that yoga pose." Kensuke snickered.

Toji slapped his friend on the back. "Yeah...and in the _nude_!" 

Shinji quickly flipped through the rest of the images, photos of Asuka in a shower.......Rei sleeping naked.....Asuka posing in front of a camera nude......Rei sprawled on the hood of a car nude?

"Okay...I see what this is." Shinji picked at Rei's face until it began to warp and peel, then pulled it off, showing another girl's face beneath it. "You guys took pictures of Asuka and Rei and glued them on pictures from some porn magazine."

"Ooh, perceptive." Toji mocked as he dug a crumpled up photo from his pocket.

Kensuke looked at it confused, until a smile broke onto his face. "Holy shit Toji......an authentic one!"

Shinji snatched the afore mentioned photo away from his pal and studied it. "Yeah....I have to say this one is real." 

"How can you scrutinize something like this and keep so calm?" Kensuke asked, muffling his snickers of joy at the picture of Asuka in only her panties on her bed.

"Well, I wash all her clothes everyday, and I've seen her before....kinda...." Shinji said and handed Toji back his prize.

"Well still, I mean. Naked is naked." Aida said indignantly.

Shinji finished his lunch. "What I want to know is where you got that."

Toji's smile of pride returned. "I'll never tell."

Kensuke retrieved the picture from the athlete. "Hmmmmm, from that angle and the light source.....I'd say the eastern weapon tower...number....164 if I'm not mistaken." Kensuke analyzed.

Toji was struck speechless. "How'd you know?"

"I'll never tell." Was the curt reply.

Shinji smiled. "I know. Last time Kensuke was up there Asuka saw him with his camcorder and threw vases at him until he lost his balance and fell two stories."

"Which was why you were absent those few days and wouldn't tell us why." Toji exclaimed.

"No, that time I was off sneaking into Nerv's Eva cages....."

"What are you stooges talking about now?" The three friends turned to see Hikari standing above them.

"The lunch bell rung three minutes ago, you better get to class." She said and ushered them along.

Toji saw his photo fall out of Kensuke's hand and onto the table. Hikari noticed the object fall and went to pick it up.

"You dropped this Kensu-"

Toji acted. "Hey, Class rep., want to go out on Friday and see that new movie that's out?"

Hikari was caught completely off guard, giving Shinji a chance to capture the renegade photograph and stuff it in his pocket.

"Well.....Suzahara.....I never thought......well I......Sure!" Hikari stammered.

Toji slumped with relief that the pornographic material was safe. "Good, I'll pick you up sometime." The three of them bolted towards the classroom.

*******

Asuka rushed into the classroom exactly thirteen minutes after the class had begun. 

"Miss Soryou, you know where the buckets are, please stand in the hall." The sensei said without even looking up to see who it was. If he had looked up he'd seen Asuka in a muddy, tattered school uniform with an equally muddy schoolbag and what looked suspiciously like a bloody bludgeoning weapon that used to be the muffler to a car.

"But...."

The sensei finally looked up. "No buts Miss Soryou, now stand in the....Dear holy 2nd impact! My poor girl, what happened to you?"

"Um.....I ran into traffic on the way here." Asuka lied. The truth was that things _had_ gotten dangerous, and Seele had sent an agent after Asuka after she left Rei's building. The agent had intercepted Asuka and tried to apprehend her on charge of her treason against Seele, and Asuka proceeded to flee, then grow weary of fleeing and set up a defensive position in an alley. The agent warned he'd use force if necessary and Asuka replied, "How about I force your eyes out the back of your head?" And ripped free a vital part of a nearby car's exhaust system. The bludgeoning of the hapless agent ensued. But Asuka wasn't about to tell her teacher _that_.

"Oh....I see. Um. Please take your seat." The sensei said and resumed his lecture on popular children's names of the second impact.

Asuka trudged to her seat and let the muffler drop to the floor. "Sheisse.....what a day."

After school Shinji, Kensuke and Toji started walking home, with the possible exception of Toji, who had to stay after to talk to Hikari about the impromptu date.

"You see Hikari...I..."

Hikari blushed. "Go on, I can't wait for the movie."

Toji swallowed. "Well.....I.....I'll pick you up at eight?"

"Great!" Hikari hummed to herself and waltzed away.

Toji sighed. "Just my luck. Maybe Kensuke or Shinji will come with me... HEY! Shinji! C'mere!"

Shinji stopped walking and turned. "Yeah?"

Toji ran up. "I'm going to see that new action movie with Hikari, you wanna come?"

Shinji thought, action movies didn't really interest him, n fact, he hadn't seen a movie since.....since that 'home movie' Kensuke had made of the girl's locker room.

"Uh, okay, I'll go-"

"Baka-boy is going with me, and the other stooge can take Rei." The two boys turned to see Asuka with Rei in tow.

"Excuse me?" Toji asked.

Asuka sniffed. "You heard me. We'll make it a triple date. Any questions?" She asked menacingly.

"None here!" Shinji said quickly. A glance to Toji got his answer.

"No ma'am!"

Rei looked over at Kensuke, who was sitting on the curb reading a 'Guns and Ammo' magazine. She sighed.

"I understand." She said and tried not to let her disdain of the otaku-boy show through.

Asuka smiled. "Perfect. We'll see that romance movie that just came out."

"What?!" Toji and Kensuke cried in unison.

Kensuke had no problem with going to a movie with a girl, no...his problem lay in the type of movie. Toji, who had a problem going to a movie with a girl by himself, didn't care one way or another what kind it was as long as it didn't involve mushy scenes of love and goo. Shinji just didn't care, although he wondered why Asuka had wanted to go with him.

Asuka had her reasons, namely keeping up her fake 'fitting in' lessons with Rei while still keeping an eye on her, but also getting to be with Shinji without strings attached. This was strictly business. (or so she convinced herself)

" Stay away from Seele my ass....." She whispered. 

Continued............

*Author's unmistakably stupid blubbering.

The plot thickens! Or at least it does a good job of pretending to. Well, this idea hit me to make this an actual fic and not just another funny series, but the last few time I did that I screwed up big time. I promise to always keep it humorous, and maybe I'll get it right.

* Seele is spelled wrong here for a reason. Find out next time or scroll down to see a spoiler.

** SPOILER!!!

Saylay is not Seele, as Asuka and Kaji believe it is. Chances are Kaji heard Pete and Rich say 'Saylay' and thought the two thugs were talking about the infamous Seele who are obsessed about evil stuff and the Dead Sea Scrolls. This is very important in the future chapters. 


	3. Return of the Ikari II (The sequel)

Hey! Here's part THREE!! It's here! It's sparkly! It's full of WORDS and.....and.......YEAH! Read it and maybe reply. It would be very pleasant........*just kidding.* For the few who actually pay attention the stuff I churn out, here you go!

Part Three: Return of the Ikari II (The sequel) 

Shinji was having the time of his life, drinking, laughing, watching a movie...it was paradise. Without fear of any kind he leaned in and gave Asuka a smooch, and chuckled as Rei grew jealous at him and puckered up at Kensuke to give him a wet one. Toji and Hikari had long ago left to....yeah, right....like any of this is happening. 

Shinji frowned and crumpled up the paper he'd been doodling his little comic on. "Maybe it won't be a disaster." he said to his crumpled paper. "I mean, Asuka has been _trying_ to be...er...friendly to Rei and I'm pretty sure Hikari can handle Toji."

"Mr. Ikari, if you have something to say please say it to the entire class." The sensei said when he heard Shinji's mumbling interrupt his 'lesson'. 

"Um...No, nothing to say at all...."

Toji recovered the destroyed doodle and un-crumpled it. "Heh, Ken...look at this...." He snickered.

Kensuke leaned over Toji's shoulder to see the awaiting funniness.

"Shinji did this?" He giggled. "He needs to get out more."

Toji snatched the drawing away and elbowed Kensuke in the stomach. "You're one to talk." He said motioning to his stack of 'special' mangas.

"Mr. Suzahara, would you like to add to the lesson?" The sensei asked, rather annoyed that more and more people were interrupting him than pretending to listen.

"Uh, yeah. Just wanted to comment how much fun Asuka and Shinji are gonna have tomorrow night." The class, who were suspecting something between the two Eva pilots erupted with gossip, catcalls and general melee that only Toji or Kensuke could achieve.

"What?!" Both aforementioned pilots gawked at the scene before them. "It's not..."

Asuka slammed both hands onto her desk and stood up. "Listen all you freak show wannabes, my business is just that, MINE! Now scurry on after your two stooge leaders and bother some other poor soul or I'll kick all of your asses!"

"Yeah...." Shinji piped in lamely.

The teacher shuffled his papers and waited patently for the spectacle to end. This had been happening more and more since the fiery exchange student joined class II-A. He sighed to himself. //I wonder if I get hazard pay for this.//

"And another thing! You all should be ashamed, after all, you own lives are too damn boring to talk about." Asuka shouted in the general direction of Toji and Kensuke's desk.

"Now, class....come on" Hikari pleaded to the mob. " ...please be seated... we have a lesson to do....SHUT UP!"

The class froze in position.

"Better." Hikari said, obviously miffed that she had to raise her voice. "Sensei?" She asked to the old man slumped over his podium mumbling about worker's compensation.

"Ahem....right. Class dismissed for lunch." Hikari, with no other alternative plan, thought lunch would give the students a chance to use up all their energy.

"But Hikari, we already had lunch." A girl named Nizomi said. 

Hikari suppressed the urge to swear at the class as a whole, but thought better of it when she saw Asuka doing just that. "Then just go home everyone." She turned and aided the sensei to the teacher's lounge.

"Man, Shinji." Toji said from behind the desk he was hiding under.

Shinji turned. "What?"

"I was thinking, are you really going?"

"Of course I am." He started to put his books away. "Why?"

Kensuke appeared from the mass of students clamoring to leave before the principal found out what was going on. "Cause me and Toji are skipping it."

"What? You can't do that." Shinji said, walking with his two friends out of the room.

Kensuke frowned. "Why not?"

"Because.....you'd be standing them up. That would hurt their feelings." Shinji argued.

Toji laughed. "C'mon man! Asuka constantly hurts us, Hikari probably has homework to do and Ayanami....well....does she have feelings?"

"Of course I do."

All three of them turned around in surprise. "H-hello Ayanami." Shinji and Toji said. Kensuke was already off running. 

"I will see you tomorrow night, am I correct Ikari?" She looked around for her would-be date.

Shinji 'urked' and rubbed the back of his head. "Um...well you see Kensuke -OOF!" The sentence would have been completed, had it not been for the elbow from Toji, dropping the Eva pilot to his knees.

"Ken's coming, don't worry. You'll have a blast." Toji smiled and looked around, hoping not to see Hikari waiting for him to walk her home. 

"Ikari, would you go to my residence and get the rest of my school uniforms?" Rei asked. "I am due at Nerv headquarters for tests."

"S-sure....Ayanami. No problem." Shinji said after he and Toji exchanged nervous glances. Well, mostly Shinji giving Toji nervous glances. The last time Shinji went to Rei's apartment he'd seen a little too much than he'd bargained for.

"You're not going, are you?" Rei asked Toji once Shinji had left.

Toji froze. "Uh...well. No. What are you going to do about it?"

Ayanami didn't do much of anything about it, besides frown and continue on her way.

"STOOGE!" Toji sighed and wondered what all these Eva weirdoes wanted with him. 

"What? The Devil summons thy?" He smirked at his snappy retort and turned to face the approaching red demon.

"You! Where did the other stooge go?" Asuka said. She had little patience since the classroom fiasco.

"Uh, Ken ran off that way-" 

Asuka grabbed Toji's shirt and brought his face very close to hers. "I am three seconds away from kicking your testicles so hard you'll wonder if you had beans for lunch. Now, you have two options. Tell me where Shinji went, or never have children. It's up to you." She said, her voice barely above a whisper.

"Um...he went to Nerv?" Toji said warily.

Asuka's eyes narrowed. "Try again."

"H-he went to Rei's place!" Toji yelled as Asuka's foot cocked back in preparation for a kick point blank in the fellows.

"Good doggie." She dumped the sweating athlete on the ground and stormed for the crummy side of town.

******

"Hey! I got it!" Rich erupted from the small collection of mechanical gizmos.

Pete looked up from the window. "Got what?"

"The new video surveillance is up!" He flicked a few switches and an image appeared on the screen. "I tapped into Nerv's existing video net and wired it over here!"

Back on the bridge Makoto's flickered, but he didn't notice because his full attention was focused on the much more important 'Ranma 1/2' manga he'd acquired.

"Wow....." Pete said without the slightest hint of interest. "Where's the sound?"

Rich frowned. "Dunno. I did this with a screw driver and three pieces of tin foil with a portable TV."

On the screen a purple haired woman exited the shower, looked around and dropped the towel that was previously wrapped around her lithe form. Both men's eyes nearly exploded from their sockets.If Makoto wasn't preoccupied with Akane beating the crap out of Ranma, he would have cried.

They were interrupted from their mini-porn minute by a knock on the door and a faint "Why am I knocking if Ayanami isn't here?" The door knob attempted to turn, but the padlock prevented all further movement.

Outside Shinji wondered why Rei had asked him to go to her apartment and then not give him the key. Besides, when did Ayanami need a lock?

"BAKA!" Shinji turned to look down the hall where Asuka stood huffing at the top of the staircase.

"Asuka? What are you doing here?" Shinji asked. "I thought you were going to the arcade corner."

Asuka saw Shinji attempting to open the door and her eyes widened. Shinji saw this and cocked an eyebrow, confused. "Holy...shit...Shinji! A spider! Right next to you!" She lamely yelled and pointed.

"Where? Get it off!" Shinji stumbled down the hallway to the stairway doing a little jig that Asuka would have found hilarious save for the fact that her 'operation' was in danger of discovery.

She drew back and landed a punch square on Shinji's shoulder, slamming him against the wall.

She smiled sweetly at Shinji's hurt expression. "Got it!"

"Oh...thanks..." Shinji grunted.

Asuka looked back down the stairway and frowned. "Come on you idiot, we need to get home."

Shinji rubbed his shoulder and followed Asuka down the steps.

*********

Rei felt warmth all around her, flowing through her veins. She inhaled a deep breath of LCL and opened her eyes.

"Hello Rei." Commander Gendo Ikari said from just outside the tank. He looked to his left as Ritsuko stepped up beside him.

"Good afternoon Commander. Good afternoon Dr. Akagi." Rei said politely. She smiled when Gendo nodded. From inside the tank Rei heard the Commander and Dr. Akagi talking about her synch ratio and other stuff that she would probably be briefed on later.

"Rei?" Rei's attention was returned to the Commander.

"Yes?"

Gendo clasped his hands behind his back. "I have been informed you are going with several classmates of yours along with the Second and Third to a movie."

"Yes, this is true." Rei confirmed.

Gendo nodded. "You are forbidden to go." Rei made a small, barely noticeable frown. 

"Please explain."

Ritsuko stepped up. "We think that any interactions with the Second and Third will only lead to distractions. Your synch ratio has already lowered drastically."

Rei felt something stir inside her......was this what the others called anger? Or was it that salad she had for lunch?

"I understand." She rubbed her stomach. "Commander?"

Gendo looked up from the clipboard he was signing. "Yes Rei?"

"May I have some more salad?"

Ritsuko left Gendo to deal with the clone and entered her office. "Gendo, you may be the most powerful man in the world....but you are one gullible loser." She said to a small framed picture of the aforementioned Commander. "Like Shinji and Asuka could really distract Miss Perfect from her goal of always pleasing you....sucker. Now all I have to do is get Rich and Pete to spring the trap on her when she returns to her apartment...heh heh heh hehe hehe!" Despite her best efforts Doctor Ritsuko Akagi began cackling like a mad scientist. "Whooo...... And now for the start of phase three....Operation KILL THE CLONE!!! Wait, why am I talking aloud?"

"Because as Commander I need to know what is going on in my headquarters." Ritsuko swung around to see Gendo leaning against her doorframe. "Thank you sincerely for divulging that information. Now I can find a suitable punishment. How about your place, 7:30?"

Ritsuko hung her head in defeat. "Okay...okay...but this time bring some wine, not that cheap booze you seem to enjoy."

******

"Misato?! Where have you gone now?" Asuka searched the apartment for the eighth time.

From the kitchen Shinji recovered some tea. "You know, she probably went to headquarters because of Rei's tests."

"Hnnnnn, still, the least she could've done was leave a note." As she flopped on the couch Asuka noticed the answering machine was beeping. "Ooh! A message!" She hit the play button.

"You have...four...new messages. to hear your....four....new messages press two now." The pre-recorded phone voice said. Asuka hit the two button as Shinji sat down next to her and gave her a cup of tea. 

"......Hi! This is Me! Can I please speak to You?! Okay....bye bye!" The first message said, rather indignantly. Shinji and Asuka looked at each other. 

"That sound like Misato to you?" Shinji asked Asuka, who shrugged and started the next messages.

The next two were guys brave enough to call Asuka after somehow obtaining her number. 

"Sheisse... what a bunch of losers." Asuka said after she deleted them. The next message was, to Asuka's delight, Kaji. 

"Hey, it's me. *static* Sorry, but I'm calling on my cell *static* hone. I need to tell you *static* omething. I *static* ve you. I couldn't tell you before because I *static* you know? Well, If you come over to my *static* ace we can do that thing you talked *static* bout. You know....*static* you wanted me to stick my *static* all the way in your *static*. I've always wanted to *static* your nice knobs *static*. So, call me about the plumbing jobs you wanted to do with me, later. End of messages."

Shinji and Asuka nearly facefaulted, had it not been for the fact that they were sitting down. 

"Well, I guess we should wait until Misato gets home before I start dinner." Shinji said.

Asuka stood up and stretched. "Why wait for her? It's obvious she's not coming home anytime soon."

"Okay I guess. What do you want for dinner?" Shinji asked, tying his 'Kiss the Eva' apron. Misato had given it to him when she found out what a great cook he was. On the front was a big mug shot of Unit-01 puckering up.

"Pizza!"

Shinji's brow wrinkled. "What?"

"Pizza! It's a round crust of bread with tomato sauce and cheese in the middle." Asuka explained.

"I've never heard of it. Do you know how to make it?" Shinji asked after flipping through some cookbooks.

"Never mind that! We can order out. I saw a great take-out place on the way home from school." With a quick glance in the mirror to ensure she was still beautiful, Asuka grabbed Shinji, still in his apron, and ran out the door.

******

"Man am I hungry!" Pete whined after fiddling with the video monitor. The two kids weren't as entertaining as the purple-haired woman, and with no sound it was impossible to figure out what was going on.

"Then eat something." Came the annoyed reply. Rich hadn't been in a good mood since Ritsuko called them from her apartment whispering something about the jam in the kitchen being moldy, and a rolling rabbit gathering no moss. After Rich asked what the hell she was talking about, Ritsuko sighed and said: "Change to plan C2-1B you idiot." Rich also heard a faint "Come back to bed Yui...." 

But since Rich had no idea of what that plan was, he was stuck with making one up that would sound like something the demented scientist would do. In short, it was really, really hard.

"There's no more instant ramen....." Pete moaned licking the last crumbs off his plate.

Rich crumpled up the paper he'd been deviously plotting on and rubbed his temples. "Too bad. No go play or something."

"Very funny. Come up with anything good yet?" Pete asked, making his way over to the tiny desk they'd somehow fashioned out of the furo in the bathroom and a chair.

"Well, we can inject some poison into her LCL-"

Pete snorted. "And just how are we gonna get into Nerv headquarters?"

"Um...I dunno. Maybe say we were with Seele?"

The two thugs looked at each other and broke out laughing. "Maybe some food would do us some good." Rich agreed and the two set out in search of something that wasn't instant or ramen.

******

Rei was not satisfied with the provided salad. It was made of synthetic plants gown deep inside terminal dogma and in addition, it tasted like LCL.

"I am not satisfied." Rei stated, pushing the nasty green pile away. "Maybe the city will hold more suitable dining facilities." After thinking about what she just said Rei blinked. "And why do I talk like that?" She shrugged and gathered her school bags in preparation for the trek out of her own private world.

Walking through the corridors of Nerv, Rei came upon Kaji, busy leaning over Lieutenant Ibuki.

"Kaji-san?"

The spy made a waving motion as if to shoo away the pest. "Mmmm-busy now Rei...mhmmmmm......." He said through mouthfuls of Ibuki tongue.

"I have a request."

Finally, whether or not it was Maya's knee in his crotch or Rei's insistent poking of his shoulder no one knows for sure, but he turned and regarded Rei. "Yes Rei?"

"Do you know of an acceptable dining establishment near the GeoFront?"

Kaji put a hand to his chin and 'hmmmmmmed'. "Well, there is a great pizza joint over by Katsuragi's apartment."

"What is pizza?"

Kaji's face lit up. "It's like a big slice of bread covered with tomato and cheese."

"That....that sounds good."

Kaji winked and went to find some other lady he could harass. Rei stood watching him, wondering just what it was about him that Soryou liked. With another shrug Rei left the building.

******* 

Are you sure this...pizza even exists?" Shinji asked once they passed the same trash can for the ninth time.

"Of course it does. I had it all the time in Germany. And I know I saw this place the other day! Now where is it?" Asuka stormed another street, swinging her head back in forth in hopes of spotting the reclusive pizza parlor.

"If you say so." Shinji said with a roll of his eyes. They passed the trash can again.

"There it is!" Asuka yelled suddenly, causing many people on the street to flinch and wish they didn't hear the high octave squeal. Several dogs began barking.

"Where?" Shinji asked, not sure if he'd ever be able to appreciate classical music again.

Asuka grabbed Shinji's wrist and pulled him to a storefront. "See, Mestrangello's Pizza Parlor! Knew it."

Shinji nodded, the faint smell of baking bread filling his nostrils. "Wow. That does smell good."

"Why must you doubt me, idiot?" Asuka said, nose in the air and walking through the door.

Before following his fellow pilot into the restaurant he turned his head to take in the street, barely catching a small bit of almost sky blue amidst the blues and grays of Tokyo-3's business world.

"What took you?" Asuka asked. "Here I got you a menu." She handed Shinji a laminated piece of paper. "I'm having the bergolle, it's supposed to be really good."

Shinji scanned the items. "Huh....How do you pronounce this? Calzoni?"

"That's Calzone, it's like a pizza with the crust rolled over it." Asuka said, pointing to a picture of it.

"Oh. Well....that sounds okay, I guess." He looked up as the waitress appeared. She pulled a pencil from behind her ear and a pad of paper from her apron, did that magic waitress thing and sticking her tongue in her cheek said, "Sowhatcha'twokidsgonnahavetaday?"

"I'll have the Bergolle, extra sauce please." Asuka ordered. The waitress nodded and turned to Shinji. "Niceapronhoney, what'llitbe?" 

"Uh, the Calzone, please." Shinji said after looking at his silly apron and blushing.

The waitress again nodded and scribbled something that couldn't possibly be 'Bergolle' and 'Calzone'. "Yawantextraparmesanorwhat?"

Shinji blinked a couple of times. Since he had no idea what parmesan was or how 'extra' would taste he simply nodded dumbly.

Asuka sighed rather loudly. "Yeah, he'll take some on the side."

The waitress excused herself and disappeared inside the kitchen. Shinji, without any source of things that would occupy his interest, found himself pulling a 'blue-haired clone girl' and looking out the window blankly. Asuka on the other hand, without something to occupy her interest found herself pulling a 'mean, nasty uber-bitch' and insulting Shinji.

"Hey, idiot. What's so interesting out there anyway?" Asuka asked after inhaling a breadstick.

Shinji didn't bother replying, he'd found something worthy of his interest. A blue-haired clone girl.

"It's Ayanami!" Shinji suddenly burst out, nearly giving Asuka a heart attack.

Outside, Rei heard her name and turned to look into the pizza parlor window to see Shinji, frantically waving and wearing a ridiculous cooking apron she thought she'd lost weeks ago.

"Ikari?" She entered the restaurant and stood before a sulking Asuka and a barely contained Shinji.

"Hello Ayanami! How are you doing?" Shinji asked anxiously.

Rei blinked and noted that she was acceptably healthy and was exactly three days from beginning her period, but decided that "I am fine." would suffice.

"Well, you're already here. Might as well sit down instead of standing around like a moron." Asuka huffed and made a motion for Shinji to make room in the booth. Shinji complied and soon Rei was sitting next to Shinji, clutching her schoolbag.

The waitress returned with the Second and Third's meals and decided to notice Rei. "Heytherelittlemissy. CanIhelpyou?" 

Rei took a good long look at the menu. "A 16" veggies lover's pizza, no parmesan." She said once satisfied a sixteen inch would cover her craving.

"A large pizza? Can you eat all that Rei?" Shinji asked incredulously.

Asuka snorted. "Ah, let her bloat up like a whale, Shinji. When she has heartburn like a flamethrower she'll be sorry."

Rei wanted to point out that she had physical safeguards against such indigestion, but then again....that would take all the fun out of being an enigmatic vision of beauty. That and the Commander deemed it top secret.

*******

"There! Finally, a place that serves real food!" Rich cried as he spotted the only non-oriental looking joint in the city. "Mestrangello's Pizza Parlor. Like the sound of that."

Pete looked on in approval as they approached the Italian restaurant. "I'm just about sick of ramen and rice. Blech....some Alfredo would hit the spot right now."

The two waltzed through the door and waited to be seated, as the sign directed. Rich leaned against the counter and took a gander. Behind the main cash register the was the kitchen, with doors that led to the men's/women's unisex bathrooms. Bags of potato chips hung in a row from a wire stretched across the waiting room. Past a small alcove directly to the left was the dining area, were three patrons sat eating. And from the looks of the redhead and the scrawny kid with the 'Kiss the Eva' apron, those were the Second, Third....and next to the Third happened to be Rich's little lady friend.

"Hey, Rich...." Whispered Pete. "Isn't that your chick?" He pointed to the blue haired damsel. 

Rich nodded absently, observing the trio. "Yeah, the Temper, the Wuss, and the Bendy One. Sums it up nicely doesn't it?" He reached behind his coat jacket and felt the handgrip of his .45 Beretta.

Continued Sometime Later....................

Big Arthur's Notes (Note the capitalized letters!)

A gun?! Well, a Shinagami fic wouldn't be complete without one or three. This series is going to take a lot longer to roll out than I first expected. The projected 3 chapters has turned into an estimated 4-5. 

Fun Fact: The pizza place the Children were eating at is an actual pizza restaurant I go to all the time. It's a few minutes down the road from my house and they have the best damn pizza ever! (I better be getting paid for advertising here.....)


	4. Operation save Shinji

On to Chapter Four! (What? You were expecting more?)

I, of all the people in the world, own not one piece of Evangelion. (If I did you can bet I'd be the one keeping Prozac in business.)

Chapter Four: Operation Save Shinji

Shinji would be lying if he'd said that the two large men holding guns to their backs and ordering them to walk slowly out of the restaurant were tactical geniuses. After all, how many would-be kidnappers order their hostages to _crab-walk_ to the awaiting getaway van?

"This is stupid." Asuka muttered, vocalizing all three Children's thoughts.

Pete suppressed the urge to haul back and punt the red-head into orbit. "Shut up and keep walking."

"I don't think this can rightfully be called 'walking'." Rei stated.

"Didn't my partner here just say to shut up?" Rich asked, waving his Beretta around threateningly.

Shinji ducked as the gun barrel swung his way. "Well, how about we just walk to the car? It's only a few feet away."

"Cause you might try something funny." Pete stated, wary of Nerv's extensive 'combat training'. "We know you guys are sticklers in close combat." Rich said, keeping the gun at Rei's back. Rei in turn thought about Shinji and Asuka's 'combat training'. Lots of damaged soda machines and a broken food processors were the results if she wasn't mistaken. Rich had already tasted some of Rei's better aikido, and sported his torn, thread-bare black suit proudly as he tightened his grip on his pistol. 

Rei felt the gun at her back and continued crab-walking to the van, sighing almost unperceivably. They arrived and crab-stood about wondering what their next instructions would be.

"Well? Can't just keep us standing here in the street." Asuka said in a huff, her calves growing tired.

"Um....well.....uh." Pete said smartly.

"We, um....hadn't really expected to get this far." Rich said, using the gun barrel to scratch his head. 

"Sheisse......" Asuka muttered. "Look, make us get into the van."

Rich nodded. "Yeah, I guess that would be the next step." He made a big production of cocking the gun and pointing at the three pilots. "In the van!"

"Yeah, great idea. Tell them how to kidnap us." Shinji whispered to Asuka as he pulled the van's door open and climbed in."

"No talking!" Pete yelled and shoved Rei in, making her land on top of a now very excited Shinji.

Rich slammed the door shut, catching Rei's long green school dress in the door. Squealing tires propelled the black van down the street and into an alley.

"Get the doc on the phone." Rich said, leaning on the horn laying air horn waste to any pedestrian ignorant enough to get in the way of any black vehicle tearing down the road. 

"Right." Pete was all professional, fingers dancing over the cell phone buttons. For once things were going right an no Arm & Hammer had yet been spilt. Maybe they'd be paid this time.

*****

From her desk, Doctor Ritsuko Akagi heard a small annoying beeping sound. She drew open the drawer to the desk and rifled through it until she came to the N2-Lite mine she'd been developing. 

"Hmmm, accidentally armed itself. Oh well." With a flick of a switch the mine was dormant.

Deep inside the computer chips of the N2-Lite Bardiel screamed in frustration. How was he supposed to destroy Nerv and get Adam if he was stuck in there?

Ritsuko's cell phone rang, causing the doctor to jump and drop the mine into an industrial sized paper shredder, killing all hope the poor 13th angel had.

"Akagi." She said into the phone.

She could almost hear the thug on the other end smile with accomplishment. "We got her."

"Got who?" Ritsuko stopped her victory dance and looked to the door of her office, where stood Gendo Ikari.

"Um....the maid?" Ritsuko's genius mind failed to come up with a good excuse.

Gendo smirked, "Tell me, DR. Akagi. When did Rei become a maid?"

On the other end of the phone Pete continued to talk. "So what should we do with her? Kill her? Crucify her? Rip out her lungs with a spoon-"

Ritsuko uttered three very concise clear words of instructions. "Not now idiot!"

Gendo smirked again. "Let's move that date tonight up to now, hmmm?" He asked as he advanced.

*******

"This is the right theatre isn't it?" Hikari asked again. "I mean, it's the only movie theatre Tokyo-3 has."

"I bet the three of 'em are going at it right now." Toji decided needed to be said. After all, Kensuke was too busy admiring the weapons towers running through their nightly cycles.

"Suzahara! They probably just got held up, I mean, Nerv needs them more then us." The class rep. said unconvincingly. 

"Just look at the size of the pistol! Imagine what that would do if it hit a person!" Kensuke exclaimed as the giant weapon slide out of it's housing and back in again as the computer checked all the servos and such.

"Aida!" Hikari yanked the back of Kensuke's shirt as a black van roared by, almost broad-siding him. "Watch were you're going instead of fantasizing about .....whatever that is." She pointed to another weapon tower opening up.

"It's a Slapper MK IV Type 12 multi-purpose surface-to-air portable missile launching system." Kensuke explained, tugging on his glasses giving him the 'extra nerdy otaku boy' look that most girls thought more disgusting than most old crusty men.

"They'd better be here soon or I'm going in without them." Toji said and crossed his arms. After all he'd convinced Kensuke to just shut up and go with him because Shinji was afraid of 'hurting the girls feelings' and here he was skipping out on them! He strutted into the street to pull Kensuke back onto the sidewalk after a SPUD missile launcher opened up and was nearly trampled by a blue sports car doing what the automatic speed recorder later clocked as 'Holy crap, that's fast'.

*****

"This is it. Everyone in." Rich commanded as they reached apartment 402.

Shinji looked up from his crab-walking. "This is Rei's place."

"No shit, genius." Pete said sarcastically and got the key out for the padlock. Then he realized that the padlock was inside the apartment and they were pretty much screwed.

"Who's the genius now?" Asuka grinned as she reclined against the wall. Pete said something in English that Asuka took offense to. 

"Look, we can't have three kids in the hallway. I'll pick the lock to one of the empty apartments while you go find a way into ours." Rich said. With that Pete walked off to go find a side-window or something he could us to get into the First's place. Asuka muttered about how redundant that task was while Rich busied himself with trying to fit a small bobby pin into the lock of apartment 406 when the door opened and out stepped Agent Ryoji Kaji.

"Um." Were Kaji's brilliant words of wisdom. Rich smiled weakly and backed up, using his body to hide the three children against the wall and his coated sleeve to cover his face.

"Nice day, sir." Rich said in his best beggar's voice, pulling his hat over his eyes. "Can you spare any change?" He hoped his tattered suit was enough to fool the man.

Kaji nodded absently. "Huh? Oh, yeah." and handed the man some coins. He had a thug to catch, so he set out determined to find the one they called 'Pete' and grill...er...'interrogate' him.

Rich smiled, not only had he fooled the secret agent, but he'd gained....78 yen too. "Get in." He motioned with his gun to the still open door. "And hurry up." 

With a groan, Shinji followed Asuka in, digging his SDAT out of his pocket. 

"I'll take that." Rich said, snagging the piece of music playing goodness away from the poor boy.

Shinji frowned and looked balefully to the thug. "Fine, but I only have Yanni in there."

Rich shrugged and plugged the headphones into his ears, thankful to be rid of the incessant nagging of the Temper, the whining of the Wuss and the cold even stare of The Bendy One

*****

Misato was in a hurry. She'd spotted a suspicious looking van when she arrived at the restaurant Kaji told her Rei went to and was tailing it for all her car was worth. It could have been the van's black color that made her suspicious, or the fact that through the windows she could see someone shoving Rei, Shinji, and Asuka in, or the detail of the license plate reading 'Say-Lay' but chances are it was 'We kill clones for cheep!' written in scrolling kanji on the side. Now she needed to make sure the Eva pilot was safe. Fuyustki had called and warned her that Ritsuko hired a couple of guys to take out Rei, so Misato was now the 'clone protection program operator'. 

She punched the horn as she almost killed a dorky kid that looked like Aida. "Damn kids." She muttered and floored it through red light, making a man in a green truck swerve into the light post.

With one hand driving, she pulled her cell phone out of her pocket and dialed. "Lessee.....Kaji.....Kaji....I know I have you on speed dial here..." She looked down briefly to check the little screen on her phone. This was bad for two reasons, with her already impaired driving worsened by only one hand steering Misato was a pedestrian's worst nightmare. Plus the fact that now she wasn't looking where she was going....well, it was bad.

"There you are...." She hit the dial button and waited, making the occasional swerve to avoid something that could be used against her in court. 

"Kaji." The spy said when his phone rang.

Misato's eyes narrowed. "Where did they go? I can't find em."

"Don't worry Katsuragi. I'm tailing one of them. Meet me at Rei's apartment complex."

"Right. Wait, isn't her apartment off Main Street?" 

Kaji paused a second. "Yeah. The second right." Kaji heard a 'OH SHIT!' And the screeching of rubber.

Misato dropped the phone and gripped the wheel with both hands, yanking it to the right, making her car skid into a dangerously dangerous turn, taking the first layer of paint off her car as her left side kissed the alley wall. 

"Not my car!" Misato wailed as she gunned it into another 90 degree turn.

From the floor came a faint 'Misato? Misato? I know you're there. Hello?'

Misato frowned and slammed a high-heeled foot into the tiny device, killing the fading words of Ryoji Kaji. The car took yet one more sharp turn and came to a haphazard stop on the steps on Rei's apartment complex, dust and steam from the engine mixing and making a really cool scene to any on-looker.

"Like a glove." Misato whispered opening the car door and stepping out. Quietly she drew her pistol and, holding it close to herself, made haste to the large rotten double doors.

******

"I do not understand." Rei said again. Rich made a conscious effort _not _to snap the girl's neck. He cranked up the volume of Shinji's SDAT a bit louder, Yanni's piano piercing his very being.

"What don't you understand now?" Rich sneered.

Rei blinked at the nasty look. "Why you listen to that music if you find it undesirable."

"Cause it's better that what your two chums are belting out." Rich said with a nod to Asuka's mixed German and English and Shinji's off-key howling.

"I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves and this is how it goes." They sang, not quite sure they were even singing or merely yelling to get through to the gunman. It was Asuka's wunderbar idea to annoy the hell out of the remaining thug and make an escape whilst he was in agony of the previous annoyance. Well, it looked good on paper. They sung the verse for the 78th time.

"I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves and this is how it goes." Went Asuka and Shinji.

Shinji took a breather. "Say, aren't there any other songs that are annoying, 'song' is beginning to lose it's meaning. Song....s-ong....so-ng.....song." Shinji played with the word after singing it so much.

"Um.....there's always Stevie Wonder......" Asuka suggested. "Or N'sync."

Shinji shuddered involuntarily after remembering Asuka and his 'test-drive' of Misato's old CD player. "What about the Nerv anthem? I can't think of anything more annoying than that."

Asuka's eyes lit up. "You know, for once you're right. One...two...three!" They began the intricate chorus of Nerv's official anthem. Even Rei mixed her very soft melody into the fray. And it went something like this. 

"(Do da do da do da) Nerv! There's no-othing cooler....Nerv is so very very cool! 

Except that time we had to give samples 

Of our stool,

To Dr. Akagi, but that's ano-o-other story,

Instead you can watch previous Angel Attacks 

That were gory!

Watch Shinji beat the living crap out of Sa-acheil,

And maybe you will see how very very spe-eCHial,

Nerv is!...(Bum, BUM, Bum, BUM, Bum) 

Now to Gendo...(doodly doodly doo...) 

Ikari!

He's a very uber (ha ha he he ho!) 

Sorry!,

Father, and not to mention him and Seele run amok, (bumbity bump!)

with Dr. Akagi who he likes to f-"

Rich stood up and ripped of the head phones. "THAT'S IT! I'm gonna kill all of you!" He whipped out his Beretta and cocked it, to show this was no bluff. "Even you, Bendy. You haven't really done anything.....but I'm supposed to kill you anyway!" He aimed at her head. "Prepare to die."

Rei stood in front of him, fearlessly. Her red eyes mocking his very angry green ones. "I do not understand."

"Heh....heh heh.....Ha hah! HA!" Rich slumped to the floor and began to giggle.

********

Misato charged up the stairs, gun held in the air. She caught sight of some blue on the floor above her.

"Kaji? That you?" She asked, gun at the ready.

Kaji leaned over the railing and smiled. "Well, hello miss, how are you this fine day?"

Misato frowned. "Come on, cut the crap." She made it up to the floor Kaji was occupying. 

"I lost one of them, but they're in Rei's place."

The Major nodded. "Right, let's go!"

*******

Pete hung from the fire escape railing a floor above apartment number 402. With his feet he felt for something his feet could rest on. The tip of his shoe brushed something solid, and the thug smiled. 

"There we go." he released his hold on the railing and fell. And kept falling, the solid thing his foot momentarily brushed was a bird flying through, nowhere near solid enough to hold him up, and so the fell. With fine-tuned instincts and the reaction time of a Switzerland trained monkey of war, the thug lashed out his hand and caught the edge of the floor below apartment 402. "Whew.....that was close."

Pete's other hand felt along the surface of the balcony for purchase, and found a small crack running across the concrete. His fingers crammed themselves into it and Pete hoisted his body over the lip of the balcony, where he lay panting and sweating. After his short breather, Pete crawled to his feet, using the railing for support, and got to work figuring out how to get inside the apartment.

"Screw it." Pete upholstered his Beretta and opened fire on the hapless sliding window conveniently placed before him. The glass shattered without a second thought and, brushing the loose bits of glass from his shirt, the hired hit-man entered the house of Rei.

*******

"You hear that?" Misato asked in a hushed whisper.

Kaji frowned and nodded. "Yeah, gun fire." The two crept slowly down the hall, making use of the small alcoves spaced evenly along the length of it for cover. Kaji was about to step out from the alcove he was currently in when the door to apartment 402 exploded open, orange tracers filling the hallway.

"Son of a-" Kaji exclaimed ducking back behind his makeshift barrier. From the other side of the hallway Misato was similarly pinned down.

Pete resisted the urge to giggle madly as he laid Heckler &Koch sub-machinegun induced lead destruction to anything, including the two Nerv flunkies, in the hallway.

"Katsuragi! Toss me you gun!" Kaji yelled, seeing the gun-man was wide open from his vantage point. Misato nodded and dug her gun out of her holster. 

"Take it!" She flipped it across the hall, the shiny barrel reflection light as it twisted and spun through the air. Halfway across the hall a bullet from the sustained fire caught it, killing its momentum and dropping it to the floor. Kaji's shoulders slumped. 

"Damn." The agent leaned back further into his hideaway as seemingly endless bullets caused bullet-like death to anything they encountered.

Misato held her cross and whispered a silent prayer that somehow Shinji, Rei and Asuka made it out alive, when she realized she was by no means religious and didn't know any prayers.

"Damn." Misato said and shrugged. A bullet found its way though the drywall Misato was shielding herself behind and struck her back, right below her shoulder blade, right above the kidney. The bullet didn't have enough momentum left to penetrate fully, but it rendered her unconscious, making her fall face first to the ground. 

The shooting paused, Pete's clip was dry. It would take at least three seconds to pull a new on from his bandolier and slap it in, three seconds Kaji fully intended to utilize.

With almost unprecedented speed, Ryoji Kaji was out from behind his bullet riddled bunker and running headlong at Pete. The aforementioned gun-man only saw a flash of black as he glanced up before the kick forced his chin to clamp painfully down on his tongue. 

Pete instantly countered with a flash of cold steel, imbedding in Kaji's side. The special operative grunted with exertion as the knife buried itself up to the hilt into his rib cage. Kaji didn't slow his attack, though and 

with a kick upwards and the SMG was knocked from the thug's rasping hands. Another round-house to the face and Pete was slammed against the wall, the back of his skull cracked from the force of the kick Kaji had issued. The Sub machinegun landed a few feet away from Misato's prone form as Kaji started to see red. he leaned against the wall for support as the world began to spin cruelly.

*****

Rich finally got his giggling under control when he realized that the three minors previously occupying the room with him where no longer there, and the door was open, and from the open door he could see empty bullet casing strewn about. Gone was the goofy bumbling thug, Rich was all business now, and business was good. 

"Pete, you'd better have capped them." He muttered as he checked to see if his gun was still loaded, it was. From his pocket he grabbed a small personal mirror, and making his way to the open door, stuck the better part of it into the hallway, giving him a clear view of what was going on down there. Nothing. Rich was about to check the other side when a bullet whizzed through the air and struck the mirror from his hand, shattering it and lacerating his left hand.

"Shit!" Was all he could yell as two more bullets smashed themselves against the doorframe inches from his left temple. He jerked back inside and stuck the barrel of his Beretta outside and fired off three shots. Silence.

"Pete!?" he called out, hoping his partner was somewhere nearby. Rich heard what sounded like a sub machine gun being cocked in response. Heckler & Koch MMP-50 from the sound of it, Pete's weapon of choice. "Good it's you-" Rich started to step out from the door again when the ground centimeters from his toes exploded, sending shrapnel everywhere and making the thug dive across the hall into an awaiting alcove. 

"Guess not." With his back against the wall, Rich fired two shots backwards, then in the following silence peeked around the edge. A bit of white was all he saw as more bullets headed his way. Rich grunted and un-loaded the pistol in the direction of the shooter, letting the spent magazine drop to the ground. While more bullets pounded the wall and area around it the hit-man pulled another clip free from his jacket and shoved it in, making sure he heard it click. From his other pocket he retrieved a small hand grenade. _For emergency only..._ Pete and Rich had agreed earlier. they both had one just in case.

"Heh, this guy's pretty good, I guess this is an emergency." He pulled the pin from the tip and chucked it down the hall, leaning out at the same time and opening fire with his fresh clip, hitting the grenade as it arced through the air, detonating it and blowing a truck sized hole in apartment 406 and the outer wall to the apartment complex. As smoke and debris drifted through the air, Rich made a made dash into the hallway, expending the gun's last rounds. The bullet's pierced the thick smoke, and in return a single machinegun bullet exploded from the haze and implanted itself into Rich's gut.

"Oooooof!" A gust of reserved air rushed from the stricken man's lungs as his knees hit the floor, then as he toppled over. 

Walking from the wreckage of the apartment floor was Rei, MMP-50 in hand with sweat, dirt and dust covering her features.

"Major Katsuragi, Agent Kaji, or okay?" She asked, letting the gun drop to the floor. Misato didn't respond, and Kaji looked up from the floor weakly, clutching his side.

"Just great, Rei...."

Rei turned from Kaji and Misato to the janitor's closet, the door was slightly ajar from a few stray bullets blowing the door handle off. 

"Ikari, Soryou, it is safe now." A face peeked out from the darkness, belonging to Shinji Ikari. 

"Rei? Y-you did this?" He surveyed the damage, unbelieving. He was about to say more when he fell flat on his face due to an angry shove from a certain red-head German pilot.

"You!" Rei turned to face the fuming Asuka. "You bitch! Why the hell did you push me in there? With HIM?!" She pointed angrily to the Third Child, struggling to get up.

Rei thought a second. "It was for your own safety. I am instructed on proper use of automatic weaponry. I did not think you would be able to fend off the assailant and survive."

"What?!" The Second shrieked, "You don't think I could handle it myself?!" Asuka would've gone on, but Kaji, clambering to his feet caught her full attention. "Kaji! Are you alright?"

Kaji nodded and smiled, face blanch. "Y-yeah. Just great. Let's get out of here." As Asuka helped Kaji to the stairs Rei and Shinji pulled the still knocked out Major to her feet and began carrying her.

"Uh..." Shinji began, a bit unsure of himself. "I want to thank you....you know, for saving me-well, us. I know Asuka doesn't act like it, but she wants to, too."

"Sometimes Soryou confuses me." Rei stated under the loud ranting Asuka was giving to Kaji about being a better shot. "She has a facade of strength, but inside she is just as scared and afraid as you are, Ikari."

Shinji frowned and looked at his feet. "Great, someone ELSE to call me a weak idiot." He muttered.

"I did not say that, Ikari. I am just as scared and weak as both of you, but fear only leads to more fear. You must learn to put it aside."

Shinji nodded. "I guess, but let me ask you something.....what are you afraid of?" They made it to the bottom of the stairs to find the police waiting with fire trucks and ambulances. Three non-descript black cars undoubtedly from Section 2 were parked across the street in between various of traffic.

"You." Rei said quietly as two paramedics removed Misato from their care. Shinji stared confused as Rei walked off. Then two medics carrying a stretcher thwacked him upside the head. 

*****

__

Three days later......

"Guten Morgen Kaji!" Asuka said happily as she waltzed into the Nerv hospital, brandishing flowers and chocolates.

"Hi Asuka." Kaji said.

A second later Shinji came in with Misato pushing him. "Come on!"

"I don't want to, Misato...." Shinji complained as he was scooted into the room. Sitting in a chair directly across from the door Shinji had just walked into was Rei. "h-Hello Ayanami."

"Hello Ikari." Shinji quickly looked away for fear of being embarrassed to death.

Misato smiled cheerfully. "Guess what?"

"Ooh! What?" Asuka asked excitedly.

The major smiled more. "I got Ritsuko to cancel the synch tests today, so you guys are free till tomorrow."

"Alright!" Asuka cheered. Shinji said a silent thank you to whatever god allowed him to be temporarily free of four hours in an entry plug. He watched as Asuka gave Kaji a hug goodbye and followed her as she stepped out of the room.

"Uh, you coming Rei?" he asked his fellow pilot who was still sitting in the chair.

Rei looked up. "What for?"

Shinji shrugged, "I dunno, just because." He motioned for Rei to get up and join him, which she reluctantly did.

"Now what to do today....." Asuka wondered aloud once all three of them were walking down the hallway. "How about we see a movie!"

The two other Children groaned.

"One thing bothers me, though." Misato said once the pilots were gone. "Why was their name Saylay?"

Kaji grinned. "Well, I uncovered a bit of information on them a while ago. Seems that Saylay is the Asperiasianatic word for 'Two thugs with big guns that like to shoot stuff and then try to get money for whatever it was they were suppose to do but fail and end up falling into a giant vat of Arm & Hammer.' Rolls right of the tongue doesn't it Misato?"

Misato made a mental note to jack up Kaji's morphine level a bit........

******

"Wonder....if......Shinji's.....alright." Toji mumbled as he sat propped up against Kensuke.

Kensuke muttered something about AK-47s and his life-long dream. Hikari was too busy gently snoring in Toji's lap to bother responding, so Toji let it be. He glanced at his watch.....yep, they'd been there for three days straight, and Toji had YET to get even one kiss like Kensuke had prophesized. Oh well....always tomorrow.

End

Author's notes: 

Why? Why must one of my comedy fics come out so lame and WAFF-like in the end? Beats me, I just write it. I have no clue when this takes place, but if you really want to know I'll tell you. Wait for it...wait for it.....sometime after the 10th angel but before the 13th (poor Bardiel.....).

Later.


End file.
